March 11th, 2010
At the instant the plane descended into the lower atmosphere, a wave of humidity almost knocks me out. Even in the cabin of the plane, the heat makes my clothes stick and the air feels like a mass in my lungs. As I step out of the plane, a wave of carbon monoxide washes over me and I fight to breathe. I was still in the safety of the terminal. Outside, the sun feels like it is pushing down high above us.
There are so many people outside. We are all divided by a metal fence. Everyone is facing each other, looking and looking, shouting at each other. Arms flail around attempting to make a signal in the crowd. I fight harder to breathe. I’m being shoved around clinging to my backpack. My eyes scan the crowd too, but find nothing familiar.
Eventually I get pushed to the front of the crowd and make my way through the fence. Two small girls push their way to me. They shove water bottles into my hands as if they know me. Their skin is dark as if they spent everyday of their lives underneath this sun. Their clothes are thin and colorful with childish characters printed on the pockets. They stare at me and I continue to hold onto the bottles and return the stare.
“Mom, she gave me water bottles,” I say. My mind is blank. I give confused looks to the girls and my mom, expecting them to exchange warm welcomes of familiarity but none of that happens.
“You’re suppose to pay for that,” my mom says and searches through her purse. She hands the girls some bills. They break their stare, suddenly turn their backs to me and push their way back towards the fence.
I can’t see anything past people’s heads. I hold tightly to my mom who is barely taller than me and let her shove through the crowd. Another wave hits me with sewage and sweat. Everyone is touching me all at once and I continue to catch my breath.
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February 16th, 2010
My life has been a whirlwind of emotions recently. This trip only reminded my of why I fret so much, all my anxieties and sadness. Reflecting on this trip and my life has allowed to to release all my tension. I am reminded of all the things that are important. Family, forgiving and forgetting, being together, taking things slow and not forgetting to breathe. I am reminded of all the things that aren’t important. Letting myself get pushed into thinking that I HAVE to to anything. We don’t have to do anything. We just need to enjoys ourselves and each other.
After this trip, I now understand why Californians can put up with the taxes and traffic. This place was a paradise. The grass was golf-course green, every plant thrived in its soil. At Deer Park, all the animals and people lived in harmony.
I think this trip made my parents and aunts want to buy a plot of land here. I am totally for it.
In every step there is peace.
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February 9th, 2010
My purchases finally came in the mail. I’m already thinking spring and ready for the warm weather. Except it snowed today 
I’m still thinking positive. Knowing that swimming, hiking, and sunshine are in my future is what keeps me from stabbing myself in the neck.
Shoes from UO and Modcloth
Shorts from UO and AA
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February 2nd, 2010
I’m in the middle of doing my taxes for the first time. I made hella money in the past year but only had $1000 saved for some reason. Went through my bank statements and found where that money went. Mostly clothes and food. Must. Refrain. From. Shopping. Right after this last purchase from AA and UO! 
Here’s a graph of how most of that money was spent:
I promise to cut down on the shopping and eating out. Today for lunch I had ramen. My favorite way to have it is with part of the seasoning packet, spinach, an egg dropped into the boiling water, black pepper and crushed red pepper. Cost $1.00 but tasty.
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January 2nd, 2010
I’ve been trapped in the house for 2 days taking care of my lil cousins. Board games, video games, popsicles…anything to keep them and me from freaking out of boredom! I’m praying my parents get home soon. This is Princess Sushi my cuz and I made. She picked the name I swear. The dress just became a cute kimono on itself.
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December 28th, 2009
I worked Christmas and the day after, but my family celebrated Christmas Eve so I can join in the fun. Tons of food, sweets, and gifts.
Engineering fail!
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October 29th, 2009
Happy Halloween! I haven’t carved a pumpkin in a long while, here is my cousin and our jack o’ lantern. Roasting and eating pumpkin seeds was fun too. Tastes like popcorn.
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October 28th, 2009
Apple pies and free wine tastings? Hell yes.
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September 18th, 2009
Ever since Khes got pregnant, many things have changed. My view of her has become less of the eminent picture I once held for her. When I first met her, I was a different person and she was a different person. The person I met had worldly style and presence. Her punk attitude allowed herself to do what she wanted and have fun being her Khes-esque self. Every day was literally an adventure for her. Every time she called me was to tell of the crazy thing she did or the new hippie friend she made. This wild life she led nurtured a musical gift I’ve never seen in anyone else. She had an understanding of the connection of human emotion to chords and melodies and vice versa. Completely self taught, self-grown talent; she was a bad-ass girl living in bad-ass world.
I drew off Khes for inspiration constantly. She was everything I admire: strength, confidence, romantic vulnerability. But as time passed, her own life betrayed her. She got drunk one night with some friends and almost died from alcohol poisoning. She was arrested for underage drinking and spent a night in jail. After that, she lost some family, friends, and her home. She was forced to live off each day and find a place to sleep each night.
A couple of months later, she showed up at my doorstep looking completely trashed. She had her new boyfriend with her and important news to tell me. I guessed it before she even told me. At that point, I was hurt with disappointment and anger. She betrayed herself and me.
Our lives both changed after that. She responsibly calmed her situation by finding a job and an apartment and has worked to bring her daughter into a saner world. I help her as much as I can, but there is so much I can do. I’m proud of her for taking responsibility but what happens now? This one slip-up of judgment has cost her the edge that gave Khes her essence. She is now just another citizen tied down to the reality of a boyfriend who has yet relinquished his bachelorhood habits and a job that can’t support her forever. Her guitar in the mean time waits collecting dust. I try to get her to play again but it’s too late. Her gift has been buried under her new commitments.
One day when we were walking downtown along the Truckee River, someone passing us saw her pregnant stomach and said, “That’s sad.” I wanted to grab his shirt and beat the crap out of him. I was pissed at him for disrespecting my friend but I’m scared he’s also right. I saw Khes taking her talents on stage. I saw her playing shows and recording music. She’s one of the few people who had it in her to make her dream come true. But it is unlikely time can turn back now. How can I regain the love and respect I had for her?
Is it possible to forgive and forget? Is it possible to transgress after a major mistake? Can true talent be diluted? Can a person always be great or is it a quality that comes and goes?
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August 20th, 2009
rollernet.us
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